When I'll know I've made it

I think I'll know I've made it
when i've become a republican
when i have found god
when i have adopted one of those african poster children
to hang up on my fridge as a prideful trophy to my humanitarianism.
When I can explain the difference between who and whom.

I think I'll know
when I can sit down in a restaurant and order anything that looks delicious
when i can take a shower every day without regards for
shampoo and conditioner rations
when the 1st and the 15th of each month
become just days on a calendar
when friends birthdays
no, not friends--acquaintances
pop up in my fb notifications
and i can order them that starbucks gift card because
what the hell, everyone deserves a pat on the back for being born.

I think I'll know
when sick days become "sick days"
when i can finally start paying for porn
or movies, or music, or wifi
when my BMI is higher than my credit card score
and i stop getting back all my taxes on April 15th
when i don't have to air my dirty laundry walking across the street
every sunday afternoon, a chorus of quarters
serenading me in my pocket and
I can look my future children in the face
and tell them I'll still pay for that private liberal arts college because
I support their creative talents.

I think I'll know
when i come back relaxed after the 2nd, or 3rd, or 4th Christmas vacation
to beautifully exotic locations
when i can fill my tank to the top on holiday weekends
or any week day for that matter
when i can look free food in the face
after skipping political science to crash that 4th straight pizza party biology grad lecture
and walk away with some degree of dignity.
When I can delete my ex's number without any type of hesitation.

I want to know that I'll know
I want to know that I'll grow-- tangible proof
that I'll be able to learn
and to see

so this is
to years of living on ramen
to years of shopping at goodwill
and scouring the ads in freecycle
to years of finding myself in the wrong beds
if only to have one for the night
to years of self-inflicted abuse
to years of saying yes when i wanted to say no
to years of drinking shitty carla rossi
to years of drinking shitty four locos, for the matter
and anything else to numb the pain away
of years of socioeconomic bullemia

and this
is to to years of wining and dining my own stubborn will
so my mother wouldn't have to sign a check and
for the day when I won't look back
because my life is moving forward
and I'll know it.