Privilege

Lately, I feel like I've been talking a lot with people about privilege.

It's rarely blatant, mind you. That's always what makes it the most frustrating of conversations to have, trying to see and articulate into a worldview only really internalized through experience. What makes it even more complicated is the fact that privilege can often be invisible in the blurr of daily life, which of course by its very nature of being invisible unveils the 'privileged' nature of these social interactions with regards to access and power. But still, as painful and hard to find as it can be sometimes, these conversations are by far some of the most important we can have when it comes to improving relationships and trying to create some type of peaceful cohesion.

But I don't want this to be one of those blogposts with jargon meant to sound uppity and self righteous. I want it to be simple. I want there to be an 'oh yeah' moment. I want it to be poignant, yet brief.

The other day I found myself in a conversation with Hamid in which we were talking about different cultural practices and ideologies around 'coming of age' and 'adulthood responsibility.' It was a great conversation, very logical points made on both sides of how to (theoretically, as we are both not parents) best help to nurture and take care kids to help them get ahead and how to not be stifling and overbearing to their growth and independence as adults.

Hamid comes from a more collectivist culture, kids stay with their parents until marriage--through school, work, dating. There are the odd exceptions of wealthy parents spoiling kids with a different flat or kids going abroad to study and therefore not being physically with their parents but the idea is still there--your parents are going to support you. I've seen this same trend in Europe, also with the same lack of taboo of twenty-somethings living with their parents and being able to negotiate close family tıes and yet a sense of budding adult independence.

I, however, come from a different cultural viewpoint--not to mention personal experience. It' hopefully no news to anyone that the US is a highly individualistic country that places a high degree of pride and social taaboo on being able to make it on your own and 'prove yourself.' As such, our culture supports the idea of children going out and gaining independence at various benchmarks--16, driving. 18--moving out. While not everyone may be able to or want to do these things, the cultural assumption and norm is still there that you are supposed to want to stand alone. That you look forward to it. That a degree of your worth and 'success' as a young growing adult is the degree to which you are able to prove that--yes, I did it. 'Alone.'

Now let me make my case. Individualism gets a lot of bad wrap I feel. It is implicitly associated with ideas about selfishness and pride and vanity and competitiveness. But when it comes to raising children, from what I've seen around me and what Ive experienced myself--I thinl it is one of the greatest lessons we can help our children to learn--as early as possible.

Which immediately started raising red flags for Hamid.

'But I have been working since I was 14!' exclaimed Hamid. And he's right. I don't want to demean at ALL how hard Hamid has worked to get where he is, or imply that he isnt an 'adult' or doesnt 'deserve family help.' I only want to say this: The only difference of making money and living a seperate life as opposed to having that much financial help is what the money means and what it teaches you about yourself, your potential, and the world around you. While Hamid works very hard at school and on the off time with work, he has never had to pay for his own place entirely off of his own paycheck. He has never had to stress about how he was going to make a loaf of bread and an aging apple work for dinner with lack of resources. He knows that at the end of the day, if he can't make ends meet-- his parents will put more money in his accounts. It's a privilege I can't quite identify with and one that was incredibly hard to explain without sounding condescending or accusatory, or even playing my most favorite 'victim' role.

So lets open it up to generalities.

I think there is nothing as irreplaceable and important of an experience as having your kids work for what they want. Not only does it teach them work ethic, but it teaches them to value the things they spend their time and money on. I cant say that I would be nearly as appreciative of my travels if my mom had merely paid for my internship in Paris, or if I would have been as passionate and defensive about my major if someone else had been footing the bill (well, kınd of were. thanks government). But I feel like I learned so much about responsibility by living out of the house at 18 and having to cook, clean, and wash for myself and gained confidence in my ability to not only just make life 'happen' but fill it with meaning that I wouldn't have been able to do if I dıdn't have that space indepence afforded me. And I know even in a lot of ways I am still so naiive and privileged in comparison to friends and others who have had to work so much harder for what they wanted and where they wanted to be. When I was in the States, my mom still paid my phone bill and she still sent me care packages monthly. But I really feel, in some ways, better prepared for the future because of this early start into adulthood and kind of grateful to my mom who kind of encouraged my already present independence so I could learn even more about myself in relation to the world.

And this is a kind of conversation that's hard to have because I dont want to accuse. I dont want to assume absolutes about the way that we raise kids to become adults. I dont want to say that individualism makes for more successful people, or that collectivist cultures care more about their families. And I'm not even sure about what real 'adulthood' is supposed to look like or mean because there is such a wide variety of people and interests and lifestyles that who am I to say that one is 'real' and the other is 'freeloading?' And how much of my critique of supportive families like this and collectivist mındsets stems from a jealousy, or even some kınd of sick cyclical desire to see my children suffer with all this stress because  had to? Because at the end of the day it really depends on the family and how these things are worked out as well as the cultural values and expectations that are put on coming of age. And at the end of the day, my opinion is still just one of many.

Our conversation raised some interesting questions and really made me question why I think in certain ways and if they really are the best way. I find myself appologizing less and less for my values and culture every day and really starting to appreciate the good things we do, alongside praising other cultures for the values they bring into the human experience. I think its really only then that you can have these kind of talks about privilege in an atmosphere of respect, though their might be conflicts and disagreement. Plus it's always good to own up to privilege and vent when we feel injustice so we can create positive dialogue and change, if just not plain old understanding.