Last night I had a very long and difficult discussion with one of my close friends about what we wanted our future kids to be like. Smart, suave, unique--but as our list went on another parallel list started to form. Namely, what we did not want our kids to be.
Before I go on any further, I just want to clarify. Neither my friend or I am promoting any type of discrimination on certain types of children. We love all genders, races, sexual orientations, and physical and mental abilities. But we did want to talk very openly about how these things affect our child's development and the degree of responsibility that comes with it.
So my friend would love to and plans on adopting children. We agree that it would be amazing to raise children from different cultures while immersing ourselves in their homeland for easy assimilation. Being a very liberal and wordly individual, he's very open towards the diversity of options. But in speaking further, he finally admitted that of all the children he would love to adopt he can't see himself ever choosing a black girl.
His reasoning was that he wants to protect his children from as much societal discrimination as possible. Not only would she have to deal with racism--but she's also have to deal with sexism. He didn't want to spend his life with a shot gun on his knee chasing after every person who hurt his little girl. He didn't know if he had the strength to watch his little angel go through those hardships ascribed to her through society. He wanted the best for his children.
Obviously this thinking can be dangerous. Like gendercide in India with aborting female fetuses (and many other places around the world) it is part protection and good intentions and part buying into social constructs and discrimination. By choosing not to have a black girl, you are believing that the system won't change. That having more women, especially black women in it is just going to be more persecution rather than revolution. That there won't be any new Oprah's, bell hooks', Sojourner Truth's. I know from the bottom of my heart I know that his analysis and decision did not stem from a bitter racism, but it does present a gray line.
Now that we live in a world where it is feasible that we can literally choose the type of child we want, and can conversely prevent children we do not want--where to we draw that line between the personal choice and the ethical responsibility?
I started with his choice because it seemed easier, but I find myself in no less of a gray and controversial area. I, personally above all else, am set on having a healthy baby. This goes for most people--ten fingers, ten toes, its a priority. But I also don't think that I have it in my character to raise a mentally or physically handicapped child (when I say handicapped, I mean more severe things like Down Syndrome or the inability to walk, not something like deafness or aspergers). I say this for several reasons: one, because I feel that I know myself and my strengths and weaknesses. And I'm honest that to a certain degree, this type of child would drastically change some of the selfish life plans that I have. But it also goes to more than that, it goes into the responsibility of having that type of child.
That is a big thing to ask of someone. Not only will you have to take care of that child until the day you die, but you also put that responsibility onto the rest of your family members once you are gone. I have a highly functioning autistic cousin, and his brother knows that when my aunt and uncle die that he will be the one to carry on and take care of him. That's choosing a lifestyle for not only yourself based on your child, but kind of enforcing that on others. Not that siblings and other relatives wouldn't lovingly take care of them, but it is still a major commitment.
Then there comes to fact of how important it is to be stable financially and socially. Getting fired, getting divorced--these things are blown up times ten when you consider the effect it will have on the child's emotional as well as tangible upbringing. It takes money to selflessly choose to raise a down syndrome baby. Yes, there is help from the government to assist these families. But I also know that we have too many homeless people suffering from mental and physical illnesses to fully trust the current system we have in place. It's a precarious life--one that requires a lot of planning for some of these major life events that could come up and shake your world. These changes are magnified when your child requires additional care and assistance.
So honestly, I'm not sure if I knew beforehand that my child would have a serious illness if I would get an abortion. There is the possibility that would be a choice I'd make, though I hope to God that I don't have to. And like my friend's hesitation about adopting a black girl, it is controversial for sure. It is dangerous when we begin saying who does and does not deserve life--and under whose authority and choice.
Personally, I plan on having a black baby girl. And I will love her more than anything else. And while I don't look forward to the obvious and unmitigated challenges that await her, I am ready to walk through those difficult times with her. On the flip side, my friend has decided that he would be willing to adapt his life to accommodate a mentally or physically impaired child. And people like him who rise to the occasion and are wonderful parents in these circumstances--a thousand blessings to you. They are the true saints.
These are difficult questions we have to ask ourselves, and there's no immediate clear cut universal answer to where this gray line is between ethical responsibility and personal choice and preference. Becoming a parent is such a sacrifice in itself--its hard to tell someone where to channel that love, even when it can be based in underlying discrimination I would just ask that as we think about and choose to start having kids we need to examine some of these narratives of not only who we want them to be but discovering how these preferences even came to be and what they tell us about ourselves.
=)
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