How to Raise Kids: from someone who has none but was one

1. Don't ever tell them they don't understand

You don't know what they're going through--you don't know the reality or complexity of the emotions they face and how they deal with it. Granted, they may not be as deep, well thought out, or articulated as when they are older and have a greater selection of experiences to choose from--but that doesn't make their situation any less valid. Some children go through things most adults never will.

2. Self-correction is often the best

Getting certified to teach English as a foreign language, we are constantly encouraged to maximize our students speaking time and instead of giving them the answers are told to elicit their own understanding of the language. I feel this is the same with children. The bits of life lessons/morals from my parents I remember most are the ones that came in the form of questions--of carefully positioned responses. Ones that encouraged me to own up to my own mistakes and find my own answers. In this way I was able to internalize that change was of my own volition--which make it that much more sustainable in the long term.

3. Know when to put on your "friend" and "parent" caps

There's a find line between supporting kids and enabling them with informal parenting. Take my mother for example--being a single mother, recently divorces, she decided early on to be our best friend. This was partially because she was probably trying to compete to be the "cooler" parent and also because she really needed our emotional support when going through a hard time. Regardless, she took more of a back seat to wearing the strict parent cap a lot of times when we crazy kids probably really needed a firm and disciplined hand. Luckily we came into our own balance in the end, but it doesn't mean that we didn't also have our fair share of years using my mother's backbone as a footstool for our own selfish childhood desires because she allowed us too.

4. Each child is different, so switch it up

Again I resort to an example from my own childhood--but isn't that the foundations upon which all grounds for giving advice is built? So my sister and I are two completely different people. If it wasn't for my sister's striking resemblance to my father, I'd say we were from a different gene pool. She has always been a bit more rambunctious as the baby of the family whereas I was a little bit more self disciplined being the eldest child. After about age 13 I really became self sufficient in my raising, but my sister needed a little bit more prodding to do things. However because my mother had become so accustomed to raising an older independent "hands off" child, she was a little lost as to how to adapt for a completely different type of child with a totally new type of parenting which left my younger sister in a kind of wild spin for longer than she might have normally been. The point is: being honest and receptive about variances in children can then really help in addressing each child's individual need and being the best parent.

5. Childhood ends too quickly--so take advantage of it.

You never know the moment when loving daddy turns into evil dictator and wonderful mommy turns into crazy master--so enjoy it while you can. Childhood is grossly undervalued, and childhood innocence seems to be getting lost younger and younger these days so be there while you can. Because no matter how great the relationship there will be, at some point, some very rocky years where you're locking away the shotgun more out protection for yourself rather than your children. They're going to reach out for that individual freedom and you have to let them, all the while remaining willing to let them grow into the people they are meant to be rather than forcing them into a permanent resemblance of their childhood image.

6. Be ready for their changes--inside and out.

As people, we are dynamic and evolving creatures whose identities are always in flux. Your children especially are going through a lot of changes and they are going to look to you for direction and accurate information. Be as honest as possible with them--regardless of how awkward it can be, it is better they heard it from you. Don't assume that the school is filling them in correctly, I will be one outspoken testament to the fact that our health education classes can be very vague and confusing and I wish someone would have explained it better to me rather than finding it out through the grapevine. Sharing personal experiences about social relationships and growing up can also be a great way to establish credibility and build rapport with your kids as they themselves go through these same changes.

7. The best way to lead is by example

Many others have stressed the importance of practicing what you preach and leading by example. My favorite story/example just happens to come from one of the most famous people of the 20th century--Mahatma Gandhi. The story goes that one day a woman brought her son to Gandhi because he was addicted to sugar. "I've done all that I can do, can you please talk with my son and rid him of this problem?" she asked. Gandhi thought for a moment and said "Come back to me in a week." The next week when the woman returned Gandhi beckoned the boy onto his lap and looked him straight in the eyes. "Don't eat so much sugar, it's bad for you ok?" The boy nodded and the family was off. As the two went to leave the women turned to Gandhi and said "But I've already told him that before, what makes you think he will listen to you this time?" to which Gandhi replied "Last week when you came to visit me, I too was addicted to sugar. I could not ask him to give up something which I myself was struggling with until I had succeeded in overcoming it." The idea is that people are ultimately more receptive to those who can intimately connect with their same struggles and experiences--it is something that you can feel. You can't ask your children to do something you yourself are not practicing, so lead through example. That way they will know that your criticisms and critiques are coming from a place of love and understanding versus frustration, annoyance, or judgement.

8. Give your children a variety of opportunities

Some kids are born natural athletes, others find their love in academia, while others stumble into more artistic avenues. One of the things I honestly think makes America so great is that we really try and stress the well-rounded person who encompasses a variety of hobbies and skills. I feel really lucky that I was able to simultaneously be in sports, music, academia, and the arts throughout my childhood as it let me explore what I was good at and gain confidence in a variety of different environments. Granted, money comes to be a factor here in exactly what types of activities you can expose your kids to--but get creative. Can you imagine how Einstein's parents might have kicked themselves had they tried to force Albert into football? Exactly--so let your kids explore their interests and be there to love, support, and encourage them along the way.

9. Teach them early on about responsibility

Helping your kids to be as self-sufficient as possible before they leave home is probably the greatest gift you can leave them with. This means both girls AND boys need to be given tasks appropriate to their age and practice being held responsible for things like taking out the trash, washing the dishes, cooking, and doing the laundry. The temptation to baby them might be there, but I've had my fair share of incompetent housemates to say that BELIEVE ME--you are doing them a great disservice by sheltering them from future responsibilities. They will have to learn sometime, and early on is always better than later.

10. Take time to be selfish

That's right--you are still you outside of your role as a parent and THAT'S OK. Being a parent is still an incredibly huge part of your life but it's not your whole identity. Personal progression should continue all through out your focus on your children's own development which will become way more apparent when the kids finally leave the house and you're stuck alone with yourself again.Your entire identity cannot be wholly dependent on your kids, as that dependency can get really suffocating as they try to branch out and discover themselves outside of your relationship with them. So find out what makes you happy and go do it. Life is too short to put some of your goals off on an 18-year hiatus--so stand up for yourself and keep on progressing!